Chapter Nine: Surrender
Dawn spent a lot of her time walking, wandering the city at night hoping the peaceful calm of the darkness would be soothing, but it didn’t work the way it used to. She went to the gym and pounded on the bag, but the oblivion she had always found wouldn’t come. She hadn’t seen Spike at all for a couple weeks; he didn’t even come by the club to see her sing. He’d told her to call him, but she just stared at the phone without picking it up. She kept hoping he would call, but he never did. She went by his place a couple times but never got up the nerve to knock. It was lonely without him around, and she was getting tired of feeling sad and miserable all the time; nothing she did made the loneliness go away. She didn’t know how to tell him that she needed him.
Spike was trying to decide whether he should stay or leave. He wanted more than anything to be part of Dawn’s life, but he didn’t know if he could be happy being just her friend anymore. He found it harder every day to be around her and it had already caused problems between them. Every time he thought about her with someone else he felt the need to lash out, and he was afraid he’d wind up hurting her or making her hate him. He knew that’s what would eventually happen if they stayed on this path, and he knew he had to make a change. Things couldn’t go on the way they were.
Xander answered the phone a couple days later and almost cheered when he heard Spike’s voice on the line.
“Jeez, man I thought you were never gonna call! I need to talk to you about something.”
“Yeah, same here,” Spike said.
“Oh, yeah? Is it about you and Dawn, because-?”
“I’m thinking about leaving; I don’t think I should see her anymore.” Spike interrupted.
“WHAT?” Xander demanded loudly.
“It’s complicated. I don’t know if-”
“It is NOT complicated! You know, I really don’t get you.” Xander sounded pissed off, and Spike didn’t know what to say.
“What’s got you so worked up, Harris?”
“I guess you’re not content with torturing her, now you want to destroy her? You’re such a jackass! You know, I was this close to considering you a friend, but the way you’ve been treating Dawn I think I’ll stick to my first instincts on you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that Dawn is in love with you, and all you ever do is hurt her.”
“That’s exactly what I’m trying not to do! And Dawn isn’t in love with me. She has a boyfriend.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Dawn doesn’t have a boyfriend! As a matter of fact, Anya says Dawn called in tears when you first came back because you said you didn’t want to get back together.”
“Yes, Anya was very upset about the whole thing. I can’t say that I blame her. Why did you even bother coming back if you were just gonna stomp all over Dawn’s heart?”
“I was trying to reassure her.”
“Way to go, Romeo.”
“Look, Harris, you may not know about it, but she does have a boyfriend. I saw her go in to spend the night with some guy. I just wanted her to know I wasn’t going to muck things up for her.”
“And I’m telling you, you must have misunderstood because Anya would know if Dawn had a boyfriend! The only guys she even really knows are the bartender where she works, and the guy that runs the gym, and both of them are old enough to be her father. And then there’s Chaz, the guy that trained her.”
“With the fighting. The kickboxing or whatever.”
“Oh, yeah, she’s pretty good. But, no, this guy was young, and it was obvious they knew each other well.”
“When exactly was this?”
“That first night I followed her.”
“The first night…You idiot!”
“Dawn told Anya all about that. How she felt someone watching her, and then they followed her from the club. Said she was nervous about leading them to her place so she didn’t go home. That was Chaz, you jackass! She went there because you were slinking around in the shadows, following her like a shmuck! There’s nothing going on between them.” Spike was silent with shock. Then he asked quietly,
“So you’re telling me she’d been waiting for me to come back, and then the first time I saw her in five sodding years I basically told her I didn’t want her?”
“Yeah, pretty much. At least that’s the way she saw it.”
“I am a jackass.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying since I met you.”
Spike sat at the kitchen table unable to believe what he’d just found out. He thought back to all his conversations with Dawn, and everything they had said took on a whole new meaning. He remembered some of the things he’d told her and closed his eyes, leaning his head into his hands. All this time she’d thought he didn’t love her anymore, and he had continued to hurt her over and over again with his thoughtlessness. That last night, her sadness; it was because of him. He thought he’d been doing the right thing, doing what she wanted, and all he’d done was torment them both. Seemed like everything he did only wound up causing her misery. It was time to put a stop to it.
Dawn rushed home from work through the rain. If she’d known the weather was going to be like this she might have driven, but, as it was, her mad dash through the rain was kind of refreshing; she felt like a little kid. As soon as she entered her darkened apartment she knew he was there. She peeled off her jacket and let it drop to the floor as she kicked off her wet shoes. She didn’t turn on any lights as she padded barefoot into the living room. He was sitting silently on the couch; he didn’t look up when she came in. She walked slowly around until she stood in front of him. He had tears on his face as though he’d been crying before she got there. She dropped to her knees in front of him and put her hands gently on his knees as she whispered,
“Spike? What’s going on? What’s wrong?” He didn’t look at her at first, but when he did she could read the anguish in his face and then she heard it in his voice when he said miserably,
“All I’ve ever done is hurt you.”
“That’s not true and you know it,” she disagreed quickly. He was scaring her.
“It is true. These past few months I’ve hurt you every time we were together. I saw you with your trainer. I thought you were lovers, thought you had moved on. I didn’t tell you.” Dawn was having a hard time taking in what he was saying. He thought I was with Chaz?
“I don’t understand.”
“I thought I had lost you so I didn’t tell you.” He wasn’t making sense. Dawn shook him slightly.
“Didn’t tell me what? Spike, what’s going on?”
“Xander told me. I was wrong, all this pain, and I was wrong. You thought I didn’t love you anymore. I said so many hurtful things. I should have told you.” Dawn sat perfectly still for a moment. Was he saying what she thought he was saying?
“Told me what?” she pleaded desperately.
“I still love you. I could never stop loving you. You’re inside me; you’re a part of me.” Tears streamed down Dawn’s face as she pressed herself into his arms, clinging to him tightly, afraid to let go. As Spike’s arms came up around her she told him, her voice breaking,
“I love you too, so much. I wanted to tell you so many times!” She smiled happily. “I thought it was over; I thought I had lost you.” Spike closed his eyes and held her tightly, trying to hold back tears.
“I’ve caused you so much pain; I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Dawn’s eyes snapped open. He sounded like he was saying good-bye. She started to push away from him, but he wouldn’t let her.
“Spike, you still sound strange. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”
“I have to leave. I don’t want to hurt you and that’s all I ever do. I don’t know how else to make it stop.” Dawn shoved against his chest and broke away from him. She stared at him for a long time before she was able to believe he was serious. Her eyes flashed with anger and hurt.
“That’s your solution? You’re just going to run away again?” she demanded bitterly. “Why do you always run away from me?” Spike shook his head in denial.
“I’m not running away. I’m trying to make things better for you.”
“You’re not trying to make anything better! You’re running away; all you ever do is run away! You did it when I was eighteen, and then again when you thought I was with someone else.” Dawn stood up angrily. Spike stood to face her, his eyes sad.
“I thought you had moved on. What was I supposed to do?”
“You didn’t tell me you were back; you just hid in the shadows and spied on me. You didn’t even love me enough to fight for me!”
“You think I don’t love you enough?” he demanded, angry now. “You think that I didn’t want to fight for you? I felt like ripping that guy’s throat out. The thought of him with his hands on you, touching you.” He pulled her to him roughly, a low growl emanating from his throat.
“But that’s just it! I wasn’t even with him, and if you had said word one to me about it I would’ve set the whole thing straight!” Dawn declared heatedly.
“I thought you were happy, and I wanted that for you. I didn’t want to come crashing back into your life making demands and turning everything upside down.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I think you wanted to run away because it was easier.”
“Easier!” Spike said incredulously.
“Yes, easier. You’re not worried about hurting me; you’re afraid that I might hurt you. And that’s why you’re running now. You found out that I was free and that I still love you, and now you’re running scared.”
“You think so? Because I think everything is just finally beginning to make some sense. You think I’ll leave you; I think you’ve always been afraid of that. So you’re leaving first.”
“Dawn-” Spike started.
“Every woman you’ve loved has left you in some way. You told Cecily you loved her and she rejected you and everything you were. With Drusilla it was her need for other men that hurt you. Buffy left you in the worst possible way by dying. I think you honestly believe you’re trying to protect me, but you’re really trying to protect yourself.” Her anger deflated; she went to him and took him in her arms again. “You have to trust in my love for you, Spike. I’m not going to leave you or be unfaithful, and I’m not letting you leave without fighting for us.”
His arms slowly went around her as she continued, “I am going to die someday; there’s nothing I can do about that. I live everyday with that same fear, that something could happen and I would lose you, but I would rather live with that fear than live without you.” Dawn felt tears coursing down her face as Spike held her tightly. “Please. Won’t you fight for us? I need you to fight for us. I need you.” Spike didn’t say anything for a long time and she thought she had lost him for good, but then he pulled back and tilted her face to his. It was a sweet kiss, tender and gentle; and it was what she had waited so long for.
She pressed herself against him, running her hands over his back, and then wrapping them tightly around his neck as the kiss changed. Spike deepened the contact, increased the pressure slightly letting his need for her take over. His hands slid from her shoulders slowly down her back to cup her bottom and pull her tightly against him. Dawn moaned softly and brought her hands around to caress his chest. Spike trailed kisses across her cheek to her ear as he brought one hand up to rest over her heart.
“I do want to fight for us, luv.” He kissed her softly on the side of her neck. “I want to make love to you,” he whispered. Dawn shivered as his breath caressed her. He kissed her temple, then her chin before returning to her mouth. It was like being consumed by flames and Dawn trembled with desire. She returned his kiss eagerly and Spike was floored by the depth of her passion. She pulled back, breathing heavily as she leaned her forehead against his.
“I want you so much,” she spoke softly her voice shaking. “I ache for you.” She kissed him again, tugging on his lip gently with her teeth, and then pulled back again to whisper, “I’ve never done this before.” He leaned back.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” She nodded. He looked at her, tears shining in his eyes. He brought his hands up to cup her face. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts.” He kissed her lips softly, his hands sliding to her waist. “We’ll take it slow; I’ll be gentle.” Dawn leaned her body into his and put her arms around him.
“I know you’ll be gentle. I trust you.” She pressed a series of open-mouthed kisses along his neck as she slid her hands up his chest then whispered in his ear, “Don’t take it too slow.” A tremor ran through his body at her quiet words. He pulled her tight against him and recaptured her mouth with his. He lifted her into his arms and without breaking the kiss; he carried her to the bedroom. He set her gently on the bed and started to take off his shirt. Dawn rose up on her knees and pulled him closer. Brushing his hands aside she said,
“Let me.” Spike lifted her hand and gently kissed her palm before letting go. She reached down and grasped the hem, allowing her hands to slide against his sides as she slowly lifted his shirt. He raised his arms so she was able to remove it. He slid one knee onto the bed and she backed up slightly to give him room. He crawled onto the bed towards her and then they were both kneeling, facing each other. He reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand.
“Your turn,” he said, smiling seductively as he reached for her shirt. As he undid each button he planted a kiss on the flesh he had exposed until her shirt was completely open. Then he slowly kissed his way back up her body till he reached her neck. As he started to slide her shirt down her arms he placed several soft, wet kisses along her jaw line. Dawn’s head tipped back in pleasure and he moved to kiss her shoulder. When her arms were finally released from the confines of her shirt she brought her hands up to his chest moving them over his bare flesh desperate to touch all of him. She clutched at his shoulders as his lips caressed the soft skin of her breast that was exposed above her bra.
She pulled his head up so she could kiss him, a long aching kiss that spoke of her need for him. As they kissed he slid a hand between them and undid the front clasp of her bra. She pulled away from him for a moment and held his gaze as she slid her bra down and off. He pulled in a shaky breath of unneeded air as he looked at her. She was exquisite. He reached out and trailed his fingertips down across one breast and she shivered. He pulled her back against him so he could feel her nakedness pressed against his own. Their kisses became deeper and more languid as their mouths met and mated for what seemed like an eternity.
Without breaking apart they moved as one until she lay on her back with Spike leaning over her. Spike reached down to undo her jeans then slowly slid them down and off her legs. He moved back up her body kissing her stomach as he passed until he was beside her again. He kissed her, pulling away teasingly each time until she put her hand on the back of his neck and pulled him to her for a more lingering kiss. He slid his hand down to slowly caress her breast and his mouth followed after it leaving a trail of kisses in its wake. He kissed her softly and then gently took her into his mouth. Dawn moaned and her hand twisted to grab a handful of the comforter as her back arched slightly pushing her tighter against him.
While Spike’s mouth lovingly caressed her, his hand slid along the curve of her hip, down the back of her thigh to pull her leg up over his hip. She wrapped her leg tightly around him, enjoying the feel of rough denim against her bare skin, and pressed herself tighter against his hardness. He leaned up to kiss her mouth tenderly before moving his attention to her other breast. Dawn enjoyed the sensation of his mouth and tongue on her body, but after a few minutes she pulled him back up to look at her. She was breathing heavily and her voice was husky.
“I can’t get enough of you,” she said as she kissed him desperately over and over each kiss longer than the one before. Spike brushed her hair back from her face and looked at her, his face full of tender emotion as he whispered,
“I could never get enough of you.” Then he smiled a sweet sexy smile and began slowly kissing and nibbling his way down her body. She let out soft moans as he found increasingly imaginative ways to drive her need for him higher. When he reached the edge of her panties he smiled up at her, hooked a finger in each side to slide them down her legs, and tossed them to the side. He kissed each ankle; each knee then worked his way up each thigh, and kissed her hip. Dawn was tense in anticipation as he moved back between her thighs.
He spread her legs a little wider and caressed her with his fingers first. She was slick and wet, and her scent was all around him; he hadn’t thought it possible but he grew even harder in response to her arousal. He leaned down and touched her carefully with just the tip of his tongue and a tremor ran through her body as she moaned softly. He moved his tongue slowly against her and her thighs flexed as she drew her knees up slightly rewarding him with another moan, longer and lower this time. He smiled against her.
She was awash in sensation, every nerve stretched taut; she was burning up and every flick of his tongue sent her on a slow slide towards ecstasy. His mouth was magic, weaving a spell that held her in its thrall. Her breath caught inside her chest every time he shifted as she awaited his next caress, then flowed back out on a sigh of pleasure as his tongue moved against her once again. With each touch she felt herself winding tighter, spiraling towards something that seemed just out of reach. Her head twisted back and forth on the pillow as her muscles tightened and she moved wildly beneath his mouth arching closer and closer as she searched for release. His mouth caressed her once, twice, and then she was falling, flying faster and faster as a haze of darkness swam across her vision. Her moans became more intense, blending together, seemingly unending.
As she slowly came back to reality she felt him move up and over her again. She opened her eyes to find him watching her; she smiled a slow sultry smile and he lowered his head to kiss her. It was a deep hungry kiss that caused her recently satisfied desire to rekindle. He moved against her and she moaned into his mouth. She ran her hands down over his back admiring the hard strength of the tight muscles. She lightly scraped her nails along his sides and around to his lean stomach. She felt his already tense abdomen tighten further at her touch. Her fingers moved to release the snap of his jeans, and she looked into his eyes as she slowly drew the zipper down, the back of her fingers sliding along the bulge straining the fabric beneath her hand. He trembled slightly and groaned in pleasure. She placed gentle biting kisses along the tendon in his neck.
“Please,” she pleaded. “I need you. I want to feel you inside me.” Spike’s passionate kiss threatened to devour her whole. He rolled onto his back and shoved his jeans down and off. When he rolled back towards her she looked at him with a sexy grin.
“What?” he queried. She ran her hand down his chest to his stomach.
“You really don’t wear underwear!” He smiled at the memory, and kissed her tenderly. Then her hand moved lower and caressed him long and slow. He pulled her leg up over his hip again as he deepened the kiss. His hand moved between them to gently stroke her. She moaned against his throat and arched into him as she felt the pressure begin to build again. She brought her knees up against his side and as he continued his arousing touch she wrapped her legs around his waist. Their lips met, sliding wetly back and forth as their bodies moved against each other in need.
Dawn’s neck arched, her eyes closed for a moment. “Please, Spike, I need you now,” she whimpered. He positioned himself and waited for her eyes to open. Their gazes met and held as he slowly entered her. He watched for any signs of discomfort, but she just released a long shaky breath filled with satisfaction. Her back arched and her hips lifted to meet his. As they moved in a slow steady rhythm they maintained eye contact, each of them lost in the other. Dawn’s moans grew louder as their tempo increased, and Spike caught her lips in a slow, melting kiss, taking the sounds into his mouth.
Dawn felt herself spiraling upward again and clung tightly to Spike as he moved inside her. He moved faster, harder, deeper; her muscles tensed and she felt her mind expanding, stretching and then exploding in a white hot release. Spike tensed above her, and as he found his own release their mouths met again with a soul-searing intensity and didn’t part until they were completely spent. All was silent for a moment and then he rolled to the side, bringing her with him and holding her in a tight embrace. They lay like that for some time both of them feeling as though they had finally come home.